Saturday, August 14, 2010

Cancer, a gift...

A year from now when I look in the mirror at all the scars on my torso and think back to this time in my life I am going to thank God. This isn’t something that I have to go through, it is something that I get to go through. This opportunity has already been such an amazing learning experience for me. I have learned so much about who I am and who I want to be. Proverbs 3: 5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. Seek His will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take.” I can remember times in my life where I felt as if I was just going through the motions, just kind of wandering around aimlessly. I don’t know what the future holds in store for me; however, looking back over the past couple of months I can see clearly how God has paved this perfectly groomed path for me to be exactly where I am today. Thank you Lord. This experience is going to give me a second chance on life as well as the opportunity to be a better Christian, a better Husband and Father, and a better friend.

I have focused my writings mostly on the physical aspects and have spent little time describing the mental and emotional components of this roller coaster. I have really struggled with my own perception of my value to my family. The various surgical procedures and the relentless pain Trudy has gifted me has really limited the amount of time I have been able to spend with my family and has made me essentially useless with regard to everyday tasks. As a man, I feel needed when I am doing things and I feel worth when I am able to contribute. Being held captive by pain has stripped me of those opportunities to do things for my family, which in turn has given me a sense of worthlessness. It is extremely difficult watching my wife shoulder all the responsibilities and take on the duties that I would typically handle. I don’t know how to express to her just how grateful I am for all the effort she is putting forth daily.

One of the sweetest sounds in the world is hearing my son laughing and it breaks my heart when I know he is just a room away yet I am physically unable to play with him at times. I know that he won’t remember these days when he is older, but not being able to spend more time with him is so difficult for me. All I have ever wanted to do is be the very best father that I could be. I want my son to know that I love him more than anything in the world and that I will be there for him and I will do anything within my power to make him happy. These are precious moments and I hate feeling like I am missing them. I want to make my wife and son feel special. I want them to be proud of me. I know that they understand what I am dealing with right now and that they don’t think negatively about me and my contributions; however, that doesn’t keep me from judging myself.

I know in life it is so easy to get caught up in work, finances, or so many other issues that we sometimes lose track of the most important things in our lives, our families. As unintentional as it may be, we take what we have right in front of us for granted. We just assume that there is going to be a tomorrow, we assume that we will have another chance, but tomorrow is not a guarantee, it is a gift. I pray that this stays in the forefront of my mind for as long as I shall live, and I hope that all of you will pause for a few seconds each day and count your blessings. Take a moment to really hug your spouse, hold your children next to you where you can feel their hearts beating, and just say thank you.

I just returned home from completing my second round of intravenous chemotherapy. Given the fact that things didn’t exactly go as planned the first time, I decided to try my luck as an impatient for this treatment while also testing a few tweaks in my meds. As if dealing with the boredom of being confined to a bed in a small room with only a few TV channels to select from and having to eat hospital food for 5 days isn’t enough, I was unable to avoid a repeat of the previous chemo reactions. Despite our best efforts to prevent the re-emergence of Dumbo, the chest crusher, we were unsuccessful and I felt his wrath four times in a 12 hour period. Having the nurses a push of a button away did minimize the severity of the situation, though. The pain got pretty sporty at times, but I would say the quick responses from the staff really helped downgrade the intensity and duration of the attacks. Of course I had a gazillion wires hook up to me and the physicians were watching my scans and heart actions like hawks, but there is a silver lining. My oncologist still has concerns, but the cardiologists don’t believe that these episodes will cause any permanent damage to my heart or surrounding tissue. This is significant because it means that we can remain on the current chemo cocktail without making any major changes, giving me the optimal drug therapy treatment. All in all I would have to say that this treatment went much better than the first. Nausea did slap me in the face this round a lot more than the first, but I will take that over ambulance rides and a bursting catheter site in my leg any day.

2 rounds of straight chemo, 6 weeks of daily radiation and chemo, 6 weeks of recovery, and 3 major surgeries away from being a cancer survivor. Don’t give up…DON’T EVER GIVE UP!

20 comments:

  1. Can't wait to get over there and give you a hug this weekend. This is a very special post. You are right, Hudson will not remember the times you weren't able to be with him and playing with him, he will remember the times that you were there and it's going to be incredible to see the pride in his face when he is old enough and able to grasp what you have been through and how you overcame this awful disease.

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  2. You do such a great job of putting your feelings into words and explaining what you are going through. And thank you for the reminder to embrace our family and not take them for granted.

    Keep fighting, Errick!

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  3. I am the sister of one of your former classmates, Sandi Kennedy. She introduced me to your blog. I just wanted to let you know that my daughter lost her father to cancer when she was 14. He first had Hodgkin's Disease, was in remission for over 10 years, then developed a neck sarcoma.Reading your blogs has given her insight into what her daddy must have been thinking and feeling. Your words touch more hearts and change more lives than you may realize. Thanks to you and your wife for allowing us into the most intimate details of your lives. You will be lifted in prayer by my family and so many others daily. Wherever this journey leads you, know that you are doing God's work, not only by lifting His name and honoring Him, even through such a difficult time, but you are giving my daughter a small piece of the dad she misses so much with each word you type. Thank you and God Bless you.

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  4. I'm so impressed with your ability to share your emotions. Its something we all need to hear, thank you! We continue to pray for you and your sweet family!!

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  5. What a powerful testimony. You are teachiing me, indirectly, how to trust the LORD in a tangible way. Thank you for this, Errick.

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  6. Errick, You are a wonderful model for your son and others of a man who is strong, smart, creative, collaborative and loving! Believe! Char and Jeri

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  7. That's VERY wise and mature. Keep the posts coming. Reminds us of our blessings, teaches us lessons, and reminds us to pray for you and yours! God Speed.

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  8. Thank you for all these awesome posts! As I was reading this latest one I couldn't help but think of a verse that I wanted to share with you. Isaiah 40:31 " but those who trust in the Lord will renew their strength; they will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary; they will walk and not faint". I am praying that the Lord will renew your mental and physical strength as well as Laurie's! You are sharing God's love and grace with so many that you might not otherwise have reached before! Praise God in EVERYTHING! You are inspiring me to be bold in my faith for Him. You are right, we are not promised tomorrow! Thank you, God is already using you in such a mighty way!

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  9. Thanks Errick for sharing what is something that most of us cannot imagine. Through your eyes things look far clearer than through mine. You really have the faith to move mountains, and conquer this nasty disease. I am praying for your journey to be short, and that soon you will be out playing with Hudson any time you want. He doesn't even notice that you can't play at times...he just loves his daddy! My thoughts are prayers are with you all.

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  10. Heey Buuuddy! I always knew you were a pretty tough cookie.. and now, wow you are really proving it. Thanks for the blogs and the updates. You are so right... today is a gift, I appreciate the reminder. I needed that. I also look forward to fast forwarding a year and being able to enjoy the victory over little Trudy with you and your family. Errick, you know I am not one to get too sappy, but I truly appreciate you. I have not been one to have too many friends in life and even though we do not speak as frequently as we used to, I consider you one of my closest friends. We have lots of great memories from UF and WeHo and I look forward to creating more in the future. (they will probably a little more mature interactions but that is okay too.. LOL) Riichhaaaard...Get well brother.. keep kicking butt and taking names. Trudy will be ancient history soon.

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  11. Hey Errick,
    We just returned from taking our son, Nicholas to Baltimore to begin Pharmacy School. Although we always knew how fortunate we are, your story just emphasizes how blessed our family is that we have not had to face what you are so bravely and honestly dealing with. Thank you for making us all a part of your journey and recovery! Cathy & Henry

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  12. Dear Errick and Laurie
    Divine intervention again! The sermon at church yesterday was entitled, "The Land Inbetween". It hit so close to home and left me with such a wonderful feeling. In reading your last post again, I truly think that God was talking to me yesterday in church. When people have something happen that affects their life so powerfully, they enter into the land between which is a place of wondering about the future, a place of waiting to learn outcomes, a place of adjusting to the changing reality but it is also a place of choice; choice between complaint and joy. You both have chosen joy. You think of this as not a setback but an opportunity to experience God and life more fully. I love you both so much.

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  13. It's so awesome to see you trusting in the Lord and fixing your eyes on Him during this time. You are an encouragement to all who are reading this blog and I thank you for being so real. Praying for you. "The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing." Zeph. 3:17

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  14. Best post yet, E! Big hugs to you all!

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  15. Errick & Laurie,

    You are Heros! Your strenght and determination is an inspiration. Keep up the fight and kick Trudy in the Bootie!

    Beijos, Emily

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  16. Errick, I don't know what to say. I recently learned about your cancer and I am so very sorry you are going through this. I pray for you and your lovely family each night.
    Carole Jolliff

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  17. Psalm 92:14-16

    Thanking God in advance for your healing in Jesus name!

    His name is Faithful & True,

    Jason

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  18. Errick, thanks for your humility to share from your heart, it is impacting to those who read it. We are continuing to pray for you and know God will be glorified in you through this. Stay strong (esp spiritually).
    God Bless,
    Becky (Lowery) Myers

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  19. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Another amazing post! This is definatly a favorite for me and your words touched my heart! Praying for you and your beautiful family everyday!

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  20. Thanking God in advance for your healing! Listen to these messages while you're resting: http://www.awmi.net/extra/audio/1036 They are awesome and life-changing!

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